Is God holding out on me?

person in blue and white hospital cap plaid shorts

The nature of my autoimmune disease means that some days, unbeknownst to me until that morning arrives, I am completely out of commission. You wouldn’t know by looking at me, but full-body exhaustion, severe pain, and otherwise unfortunate and unmentionable symptoms are a part of my everyday reality. Because of my weakened immune system and struggling digestive system, I have countless frameworks and coping mechanisms in place to ensure that I can engage and attempt to thrive in the world each day. As a habitual achiever, this bodily deficiency is hugely disruptive and discouraging. It’s been six long years of chronic disease, most of which has been defined by poorly controlled symptoms and by silently fighting (and failing) to get my body back to 100%. My gradual breaking is not the fault of any singular entity, occurring in part because of first, my initial slowness to act and lack of […]

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God, why? > God, what?

green trees on island during daytime

If I’m being honest, there is still a part of me that wishes life would unfold the way I want it to.  And I’m no stranger to the unexpected. I’ve spent the past six years in constant transition: I moved to the Netherlands for a year, serving as a campus missionary. Two weeks later, I married my college sweetheart where we fell in love, in Kalamazoo, MI. A week after arriving back from our honeymoon in Puerto Rico, we drove straight down from Chicago to our new home in Austin, TX. He began seminary; we both started new non-ministry jobs. After a few months, we joined a new church. Six months later, we both had to start new jobs (again). Two years later, we moved back to Michigan after his seminary unexpectedly closed. It took us a month to find new housing, and we lived with my in-laws. Those first […]

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